DARKNESS ENVELOPS THOSE WITHOUT LIGHT TO SEE. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THOSE WITH THE LIGHT KEEP IT TO THEMSELVES?

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I’m not here to teach Tips & Tricks. I’m not selling memberships or peddling snake oil. I’m not looking to provide Life Hacks or offer tutorials for How To do things cheaper, faster or with less effort. Though I have some things I could mention about witch hazel, jackfruit, toilet paper alternatives, and the value of water, I’m not going to say them. Nor am I going to mention the perfect diet and exercise program for you, the recipe for a lasting healthy relationship, how exactly to cope when in dire straights or what to do to curb addiction. Those things were created in me. I have both the knowledge and wisdom to share and apply those things among others. But that’s not why I’m here. That’s what God is for. And that’s what He does. He meets you right where you’re at and He guides you to where you need to be in order to be who it is you were born to be. If anyone knows, it’s surely Him.  

So why am I here? That’s a good question. I’m merely here to tell you that God is real. He’s been at work in my life. I have to witness him. And share with you that God, Love Himself, is available to you right now, today. I’m here to help bring you closer to God. And not you as in all of you. You, as in those who are looking. Those of you who are looking for that something-something but you just can’t place your finger on it. Those that feel like something just isn’t quite right. Like something is off-kilter. Like something is missing. Those of you who have tried, like I have, the following:

• Drugs & Alcohol
• Sex with Men & Sex with Women
• Work & Power
• Money & Greed
• Hobbies & Volunteering
• Family & Friends
• Netflix & Playlists
• Gyms & Clubs
• Porn & More Porn
• School & More School
• Late Nights & Early Mornings
• Late Mornings & Early Nights
• Cold Plunges & Tanning Beds
• Lust & Desire by Discipline & Might
• More Things & All the Other Stuff

Going around trying to fill a void but nothing ever satisfies. Not even a Snickers. Sure. You might have a good time passing the time and laughing way into the night. But the happiness is fleeting and always leaves you right back where you started, wondering where your happy went.

I went from sixteen and pregnant in Chico, California, to a twenty-three year old single mother of two in Portland, Oregon. One evening, I called my mother and told her that I lost my happy, that something inside of me broke. A heaviness crept into my heart. A constant ache. A longing for that which was lost. Whatever it was, it was now gone. The alarms now going off in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, and in my strength. Empty. The sirens blaring. Missing! The warning lights flashing. Gone! My happiness has escaped. Vanished! Thin air. Crumbled to the ground. In ashes. In dust. And got swept up and tossed out. The light went out and all of the sudden, I am in the darkness. Alone.

I ask if depression ran in our family. “Oh, Elisabeth,” she replied. The sticky sweetness of utter dismissiveness. “No, honey.” And that was that.

I have never had friends. Maybe back in third grade. I tried in Junior High but never got close with anyone. Same story in High School.  I’d meet up with people probably where there was beer and weed and girls getting with boys. I’d be there wondering why these people always drink and smoke and get with each other and view this as the good life. The thing is… you become that which you surround yourself with. And that was becoming very apparent. So, I started hanging out with no one. I read the writings of Jim Morrison, I studied Greek Mythology, I dabbled in Tarot and Palmistry and I wrote a lot of poetry and short stories. I longed for more but wasn’t sure how to maneuver life to find it.

All that to say: I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about my newfound depression so… I went to the doctor. The medical profession, a well-respected field. Doctors had been known to be trust-worthy and knowledgeable, helpful and caring and that was just what I needed. All of that. Someone who knew what they were doing and someone to help me.

The doctor asks standard questions and checks boxes on his form. Within five minutes, I walk out of his office with a prescription for _________ in hand.

The effects of the drugs only added to my symptoms. Now I’m depressed AND yawning all the time. Unable to think at all. Brain fog. Fatigue. All the small print. I quit taking them and go it alone. Until I don’t. I try to fill the void. I quickly shack up with a guy which only masks the underlying issue. It distracts me from it. Much like the prescription. We get married, me and my issues to him and his. Then alcohol makes it’s move and becomes a star-player in my life as it helps to make my problems go away (when it actuallly doesn’t… much like that prescription, much like that marriage). The downward spiral goes on. And on.

What I needed… was God.

How do you know what you need when you don’t know what is wrong? I pose this same question to the doctors. How do you truly know what a patient needs when you don’t actually know what is wrong in their life? We’re so quick to analyze, divide and segregate. You ever think that the problem is systemic? Underlying all things? Kind of like… where love resides. Or was meant to. It seems to have gone missing. Where’s the prescription for that?

Matt 24:3 Tell us, when shall these things be? And what shall be the sign of your coming and of the end of the world?

Had someone have noticed me struggling, drowning, suffocating and helped me, offered to help me, taken me under their wing, I would have delighed. I was a candle, made for burning. Yet could not find a spark in spite of the deep, deep yearning. All the flames met each other at designated spots and time. Their fire burning all the brighter though hidden. No invitation sent. No light shining from a hill. Alone, I went looking. In search of light.

Where are you, Spark?

I am incomplete.

Where, Flame, have you gone?

I am in need.

Where are you at?

It’s too dark to see.

Where, O where,

Is the light inside of me?

Can you help me?

Busy. I can’t.

Will you help me?

Uh, not today. I won’t.

I need some help.

You’ll have to go elsewhere.

Look at you,

Dark and dirty and broken.

If only I had a light

To shine down on me.

If only a little spark

Maybe then I could see.

If only someone who knew

Would offer to teach me.

Then maybe I could learn

And let my light be.

So shine, Lights, shine bright.

Not behind closed doors

And only when it’s light.

Shine, Lights, shine bright

In the darkness, under bridges, 

In the valleys, to the alleys, 

In the shadows, in the middle of the night, 

In the streets, in the secrets.

Shine, Lights.

Shine bright.

As though the darkness depended on you to see.

Shine.

Churches, this scripture is for you:

EZE 44:8 Ye have not kept the charge of mine holy things but ye have set keepers of my charge in my sanctuary for yourselves.

ISA 65:22 They shall not build and another inhabit, they shall not plant and another eat. For as the days of a tree are the days of my people. My elect shall long enjoy the work of their hands.