I don’t know exactly what to do. That’s kind of how things have been going lately, though, so I’m not too sure why it doesn’t feel more normal. Why it’s still a surprise when I stop to think about it. Perhaps that’s the trick. To not stop and think about it. The world teaches you, from a very young age, that you have to know what you want, where you’re going, how long it’ll take to get there and what it is you’ll do once you arrive. So this whole “following Jesus” thing can be a little nerve-racking to the American brain. And that’s just for the one doing the following!

Guess what the people watching the person following Jesus think? That they are absolutely crazy. Indeed. That they need to get a job, get a clue, get back to reality, get back to work, be responsible, provide dates and times, facts and figures, fit in, be like the rest of us as these watchers get progressively more angry as they attempt to vehemently defend their own existence of putting money before love. It makes me laugh. Feeling as full of love and joy as I do while they look at me wondering why I don’t want to be more like them. Angry. Selfish. Greedy. Boastful. Proud. But wait. I’m the one at a gas station in the middle of Missouri with no diesel in my tank and no money in my pocket. But, truly… who is worse off? The one with only love? Or the one with only money?

Money never satisfies. Love never fails. You gonna pass your money onto your kids? Or you wanna teach them how to love? The Bible says you cannot serve two masters (Luke 16:13). Who is the master of your puppet?

That all may be true. Love over money. That’s what I want to believe. Well… I do believe that and I do know that’s true. That love trumps money. Living that out in today’s day and times is a little more challenging. We’re so upside-down that to live by love just isn’t feasible. Or is it? Maybe that’s just what they want you to think. Otherwise… you might opt out of their money-making system. Then what?

I just took a five minute cry break out in the van. Zelda alone was my witness. Her… and God. What is He up to? My wifi isn’t working. Probably has something to do with paying the bill. Or not paying it. I did reach out to the company last week when my automatic payment didn’t go through. I asked if they could offer an extension or had some sort of fund for people in financial need. They managed to keep my service going for a few extra days and then offered a “by day” rate. How kind of them. And I mean that. (The cynical world often thinks my sincere sentiments are sarcasm. They are not. I don’t mess around with kindness. I dish it out generously.) Not every company would do that. But companies need to make money so if the people don’t pay, the services get turned off.

So that’s where we’re at. No wifi. Which means no phone because I don’t have phone service and without wifi, the phone simply won’t work. And this gas station doesn’t have wifi so no phone. No money. No diesel. And no electricity in a brand new van that just won’t work properly.

So yes. I could get all squirrely and overthink it and force my way through the situation the way I WANT IT FIXED and go cry out in the van. But God has a different plan. And He’s got His own timing. I remind myself of that by dropping the worries and going into prayer. I acknowledge the ways in which I am blessed.

I feel the gratitude of what I have and what I am capable of. I thank God for the love of Jesus without which I would be devastated and spiraling deeper into a black hole of despair. That’s the thing about God. He truly brings the peace that surpasses all understanding (Phillippians 4:7) when you keep your eyes on Jesus. I recognize God for who and what He is as best I can though that can never be achieved. How does one capture the ineffable? He is all things. And this is His plan. And this is His timing. I am merely His humble servant. And this is all for His glory. I’m excited to see where it is we’re headed. Amen!

In the meantime, I’m gonna sit at this table in this gas station in the middle of Missouri with my dog on my lap, feeling the love of the Lord and knowing that everything will be just fine. Better than fine. This is God we’re talking about. And it doesn’t get better than that. God. Is. Good. And He turns all things to good for those who believe…

Written earlier, in 2023, but still applies today, much like the Bible.