I don’t know what I don’t know. I’ll be the first one to admit it. And, boy, do I not know a lot! Everyday, though, I’m learning and growing. Amen to that! As for other things… I don’t exactly know how I know what it is I do know. I just know. That’s what it’s like with God. To be granted a knowing by his grace. It’s called faith. Not something I’ve always had but it, sure as heck, is something I’m going to hold onto.

Let’s contrast this whole faith thing with… not having faith. I can point to my whole existence before May 2022 for examples of not having faith. Though I may have thought about God once in a while, maybe even dipped into church here and there. I just never had that feeling about the whole God thing. Often I had the opposite of that feeling. Like this song:

I don’t mean to be ungrateful
I don’t mean to be unforgiving
I don’t mean to be so callous
You don’t mean much of anything to me
First you pushed
And then you shoved
You finally found your way out
You never once
Got to get to know me
Or figure out
What I’m about
Funny thing, if you would talk then I would listen
Funny thing, if you only wanted to
Funny thing, I would clear the slate
But the rest
Is up to you
(Is this one me talking about God??? Or God talking to me???)

Boy, was I lonely! And suffering. I had always been so busy trying to keep up with the world. Single, teenage mom. Two kids. Three jobs. College at time and a half. Go, go, go! How can you make time for God when there’s money to be made, bills to pay, and things to buy, buy, buy??? I’ve always been so caught up in the world I never made space for the good Lord. I didn’t give him the chance to show up in my life. And do I blame God for that? I don’t. In fact, I don’t blame. I just wasn’t ready. And that’s okay. I had other things that I thought I had to figure out. Mostly I had to pay the bills. It’s sort of sickening how that takes over one’s life. The payoff is huge. Or rather, the price one pays is costly.

I had to wade through self-sabotaging a bit. And when I didn’t do it right the first time, I gave it another go. I drowned my sorrows in sex and alcohol and materialism (false idols, do look it up). That’s what living in America is all about, right? The good life! Well, when all you know is what you know then all you focus on is that. And, boy! Did I focus on that! And boy! Was it ever so unsatisfying. Something was just… missing. So I added more sex and more alcohol and more materialism. My whole life. I felt so empty. Don’t get me wrong. I knew something wasn’t right. I just wasn’t exactly sure what. So, I volunteered.

I volunteered for this and that. I stood up for this kid and I defended that guy and supported that girl. I was a CASA (court-appointed special advocate) for foster children, I babysat kids at a domestic violence shelters, I had a penpal in juvenile detention, I fed the homeless, my kids and I started numerous fundraisers for those even less fortunate than us and we were the less fortunate, I greeted everyone on the street with a smile even when I was crumbling inside, I volunteered at the elementary school, I volunteered at the high school, my kids volunteered at the school, I was the treasurer of the PTO, stayed late to help kids with Geometry, with their friendships, with their self-esteem, I was nominated teacher of the year by the students, dedicated my lunchtime to supervising teens in the gym so that they may have a place to come together, advised for the Anime Club, for Key Club, the Book Club, the Break-dancing Club, I turned detention in to the Breakfast Club, spread my joy at football games, was sent to the principal’s office for being too happy, and was fired from the school district for caring a little too deeply… I was often admonished by the letter of the law while holding up the spirit. This only disheartened me more. Led to more isolation. Led to more emptiness. Led to a spiritual awakening that was misdiagnosed as a mental illness. Boy, the system is broken, ladies and gentlemen.

I began to study Taoism. It really spoke to me. Then I got sidetracked by Buddhism. On a handful of occasions, I found myself at the gates of a Buddhist temple, searching for solace. Each time, the gates were locked. Tears streaming as I held onto the bars. I should’ve taken it as a sign. In the summer of 2021, I went to an 8-hour Buddhist retreat. I cried the entire time. Tears streaming as I sat for hours in meditation. I should’ve taken it as a sign. I began Qigong. I learned yoga. I slowly adapted to meditation. All of these things slowed me down. Gave space for silence. I really enjoyed the teachings of loving-kindness. So much so that they led me straight to Jesus: the ultimate light of the world. In fact, every religion I learned about and tried on led me back to the one and only true and living God.

It’s so interesting how each religion seems to cherry-pick a beautiful piece of the good Lord and display it as their own work (false idols, do look it up). It makes it easier for man to divide us. Because together… we just might embody the power of Christ. And what a beautiful, albeit powerful, power that would be.

Truly. All religions start with God. Give it a think. Not even just religions. The way governments rule. Daily living practices. Familiar phrases. So many of them stem from the Good Book. Many people just don’t know what the Good Book says and hence can’t make the connection. It’s astonishing how prevalent the Good Book is in our lives and yet so many simply do not notice it.

It wasn’t until I had an open heart and a quiet mind that I finally began to understand the Bible. And each day I learn more and more. It’s not like you read it once, like a novel, and then you’re done. To think it is will only bring about disappointment and frustration. It’s not that kind of book. In fact, there’s no other book like it, that I know of.

Don’t be mad if you don’t “get it” the first time around. Or even the tenth. Take it as a sign that you have some work to do. Some really important, top-priority work. It’s called: open your heart and quiet your mind. Then give it another go. Don’t give up. You will find that it truly is… the Good Book.

I know that when I was caught up in worldly ideas, having lost my sense of self, I’d wrestle with many of the concepts in the Bible. People want to spout off about misogyny, slavery, killings, among other things but without seeing the big picture, it’s the baby and the bathwater all over again. It’s really about the inner battle each of us face inside. And when you don’t understand something as ineffable as the Bible, I wouldn’t be so quick to bash it. Circle back to it. It is God’s Word… and the Word is love.

If you’ve ever met a believer, and by believer I mean believer, you wouldn’t be able to overlook their sheer sense of joy. Or inner peace. They’re quick to help their neighbor. Provide for a stranger. Forgive an enemy. They have an undeniable faith. A heart bursting with love. A mysterious feeling that you can actually feel in their presence though you may not be able to identify just what it is. They exude a happiness that may seem a little unreal. It’s only unreal to those who do not have faith. Unbelievers get so used to negativity that kindness seems foreign. At least, that’s how it was for me.

Now, you can choose to dismiss the Bible if you want and pop off about things you don’t understand. Some would say that to expose their life to the light of the Bible would force them to come out of their darkness, which they’re unable to do. It’s easier for them to hide their shortcomings, their poor choices and the error of their ways if they stay in the shadows. So they toss out the measure of morality all together. The Bible is moral code. Without it, what have we got? Twitter? Man’s wavering word? (I won’t even elaborate on how unreliable that is.)

So people toss out the Bible. They do their best to discredit it because they don’t understand it because to understand it… they’d have to make some pretty big life changes.

If you had to choose between a person shining with love and light and a person who spent their life trashing love and light… who would you want on your team? We each create our own reality. I’d create a good one if I were you. Or… you could face reality with sex, and alcohol, and materialism. But where’s the love in that? God. Is. Love.

We, as a people, have got to do better. Have a bit of faith. Not faith in sex and alcohol and materialism (false idols, do look it up). Faith in something greater than ourselves. Open our hearts. Release our thoughts. Believe in the magic. In this world that is getting darker and darker as the days go by, we need to familiarize ourselves with the message of love and light that the Good Book offers. If nothing else, our children could use a lesson on right versus wrong. And to do that, we need morals. And where is moral code??? It’s in the Good Book. Can I get an Amen!

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. Among all of the betrayals and neglect, abandonment, abuse and trauma in my life, something great will come of it. You’ll see in the Bible that people get just what they need and often, what they deserve. God works in mysterious ways. It’s true. I’m looking forward to this life unfolding.

Take care of yourself, Take care of your neighbor. And take care of this beautiful Mother Earth. Peace!

*Picture is from Beatniks Cafe in Chico, CA in summer of 2022 at the time of this writing. When God enters into your temple, the world will know. It ain’t no small things. All the angels rejoice. ❤️